Scrambled, please.

Day 4 of Seth Godin’s “Your Turn Challenge” – Tumblr

I make a mean scrambled egg.  That may not stand for much in a modern world that offers not only scrambled eggs, but also hard-boiled, soft-boiled, sunny side-up, poached, deviled, baked — none of which I’ve attempted.  But isn’t there something to be said for simplicity?  Particularly when your wife thinks you’re the Ina Garten of the scramble?  I think so.

Below are my five rules of engagement for scrambling.  They assume you’ve made scrambled eggs in the past, but if not the basics are: put pan on stove, grease pan, crack eggs in pan (or pour them in pre-whipped from a bowl if you’re gross), move eggs around for like 6-8 minutes, and voila: scrambled eggs.  Here’s how you can step your game up…

First rule of business: do not whip your eggs.  Your Mom does it.  Your Grandma does it.  They are wrong.  Pre-whipped eggs, particularly with the addition of milk (please god NO), robs your scrambled eggs of their hearty texture.  Scrambled eggs should not be a one-note fluffy experience; there should be an interplay between firm bits of yolk and softer whites.  If you can serve your eggs with an ice-cream scoop, you have failed.

Second rule: use butter to grease your pan.  Lots of butter.  Not anti-stick spray, not olive oil or any other scrambled egg abomination.  Julia Child said something about butter being magical.  She was right.  I would certainly prefer to serve magical eggs over the standard varietal, wouldn’t you?  (Roughly 1tbsp butter for every 2-3 eggs.)

Third rule: medium-low and slow.  For some reason, I normally see scrambled eggs cooked on a high flame.  This hurts them.  Don’t hurt your eggs.

Fourth rule: do not walk away from your eggs.  Love your eggs.  Caress your eggs.  Once you’ve used your spatula to gently break them up in the pan — not too much, because then you’re whipping — move them about slowly and methodically.  This prevents them from burning or cooking unevenly and, more importantly, provides you with an experience to get to know your eggs.

Fifth rule: take them off early.  Similar to barbecuing, if you think the extra minute will get you from the perfect “medium-rare” to mediocre “medium”…you’re probably right.  If you’re like any normal person, you’re likely to turn off your flame, then walk away to get plates, which won’t be clean, and before you know it you’ve created a dry crust on the bottom of your scramble — gross.  Anthony Bourdain said the perfect egg should be the consistency of thick dog slobber.  Exactly.

A pinch of salt and you should be golden (pun intended).

Scrambled, please.

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